Marriage Restoration after Betrayal

by Thomas Abshier | Sep 26, 2025 | Uncategorized

The Crucible of Reconciliation: Pastoral Insights on Marriage Restoration After Betrayal
by Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
9/1/2025

The Weight of Broken Trust

The aftermath of marital infidelity creates one of the most challenging scenarios in relationship restoration. When trust has been shattered through adultery, the path toward reconciliation becomes a treacherous journey requiring supernatural strength, genuine transformation, and unwavering persistence in the face of seemingly insurmountable hostility. This reality was evident in a recent pastoral counseling session where a husband sought guidance on rebuilding his marriage after acknowledging his unfaithfulness.

In this counseling session, we saw the complex dynamics that emerge when one spouse desperately seeks reconciliation while the other responds with consistent attack and rejection. The husband described a cycle where moments of hope—often following prayer for restoration—were immediately met with verbal assault, shame, and condemnation from his wife. This pattern had created a defensive response where he would retreat to “safe places” rather than continuing to engage in what felt like futile attempts at reconciliation.

The Biblical Framework for Restoration

The pastoral counsel centered on several key biblical principles that provide a foundation for genuine restoration. The conversation referenced the teaching on forgiveness found in Matthew 18:22, where Jesus instructs to forgive “seventy times seven,” emphasizing that reconciliation requires unlimited forgiveness from both parties. However, the immediate challenge was that while the husband was seeking forgiveness, the wife was not yet in a position to extend it.

The counsel emphasized that restoration must begin with authentic mourning over sin, drawing from the Beatitude “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). The Amplified Bible’s rendering was particularly relevant: “Blessed are those who mourn for their sins and are mournful about what they have done.” This mourning represents more than regret over consequences—it reflects genuine sorrow over the violation of sacred trust and the harm caused to another person.

The Servant’s Heart as the Path Forward

Central to the pastoral guidance was the principle that “whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant” (Matthew 20:26). The counsel suggested that the only viable path toward reconciliation was for the husband to deeply embrace a servant’s heart toward his wife. This meant moving beyond mere apologies or attempts at self-justification to a genuine transformation of character that prioritizes his wife’s needs above his own desires for forgiveness or restoration.

This servant-hearted approach was described as particularly challenging because traditional avenues for expressing service had been shut down. The wife was not receptive to gestures, communications, or attempts at counseling. The husband faced the difficult task of learning to serve in an environment where his service was actively rejected, requiring him to find ways to demonstrate genuine care without expectation of immediate response or appreciation.

The Testing Ground of Genuine Transformation

The conversation revealed that the wife’s hostile responses, while painful and destructive, might actually serve as a testing ground for the husband’s claimed transformation. Rather than viewing her attacks as obstacles to reconciliation, the pastoral counsel reframed them as opportunities to demonstrate genuine change. The instruction was to respond to evil with good, never returning hostility for hostility, and consistently acknowledging wrongdoing without defending previous actions.

This testing phase was acknowledged as “soul-crushingly difficult,” requiring the husband to stand against overwhelming emotional pressure while maintaining a posture of humility and service. The counsel emphasized that this was not merely a behavioral strategy but required genuine heart transformation—a change so deep that serving his wife’s needs would become natural rather than forced.

The Limitations of Human Effort

A crucial insight emerged regarding the limitations of human effort in achieving marital restoration. The pastoral counsel suggested that the level of transformation required was beyond what could be accomplished through willpower, positive thinking, or commitment alone. Instead, it would require “miraculous heart transformation”—divine intervention to change fundamental patterns of relating that had developed over years of marriage.

This recognition of human limitation was both humbling and liberating. It acknowledged that the husband could not simply “try harder” to become the person his wife needed him to be. The habits and natural responses that had contributed to the marriage’s deterioration were too deeply ingrained to be overcome through human effort alone. This understanding shifted the focus from self-improvement strategies to prayer for supernatural transformation.

The Challenge of Persistent Love

One of the most challenging aspects of the situation was the need to persist in loving actions without any guarantee of a response or even acknowledgment. The husband described instances where he would enter his home hoping for “a glimmer of hope,” only to be met with accusations and hostility. This cycle had created a pattern where he would emotionally withdraw to protect himself from further hurt.

The pastoral counsel addressed this natural self-protective response by emphasizing that genuine love requires persistence even in the face of rejection. The instruction was to continue expressing love and commitment without expecting immediate reciprocation. This meant saying “I love you” sincerely, even when met with contempt, and maintaining a posture of availability for reconciliation, even when that availability was scorned.

Understanding the Wounded Heart

The conversation acknowledged that the wife’s hostile responses were justified on a human level and understandable in light of the deep hurt she had experienced. Still, her behavior was not Godly, in the sense that it was destructive and did not reflect the Biblical principles of forgiveness. However, it also recognized that wounded hearts often respond defensively, and that healing from betrayal is a process that cannot be rushed or forced.

This understanding provided context for the husband’s experience without excusing the wife’s behavior. The counsel suggested that her testing of his sincerity through various trials was a natural response to betrayal, as she sought to determine whether his repentance was genuine or merely a strategy to avoid consequences.

The Role of Prayer in Restoration

Prayer was presented not as a method for changing the wife’s heart—which was beyond the husband’s control—but as a means of seeking the supernatural transformation necessary for him to become the husband she needed. This shift in prayer focus moved from trying to manipulate outcomes to seeking personal transformation and the strength to persevere in love, regardless of the response.

The Long View of Restoration

The pastoral counsel emphasized that restoration would likely be a long process requiring sustained commitment over an extended period. There would be no quick fixes or shortcuts to rebuilding trust that had been thoroughly destroyed. The wife would need to see consistent evidence of genuine change across various situations and circumstances before she could begin to believe that the transformation was authentic rather than temporary.

This long-term perspective required the husband to abandon expectations of immediate results and instead commit to a lifestyle of service and humility that might not produce visible fruit for months or even years. The counsel suggested that this extended timeline was not a flaw in the restoration process, but rather a necessary component of rebuilding trust that had been lost due to the violation.

Conclusion: The Narrow Path of Reconciliation

The conversation revealed that marital restoration after adultery follows a narrow and challenging path that few are willing or able to traverse successfully. It requires a combination of genuine repentance, supernatural transformation, persistent love in the face of hostility, and divine intervention to change hearts that have been hardened by betrayal.

The pastoral counsel provided a roadmap for this journey while acknowledging its difficulty and uncertain outcome. The emphasis throughout was on the husband’s responsibility to focus on his own transformation rather than attempting to control his wife’s response. This approach recognizes that while reconciliation requires the participation of both parties, it must begin with genuine change on the part of the party that caused the breach.

The ultimate message was one of hope tempered by realism—restoration is possible through God’s power, but it requires a level of commitment and transformation that surpasses human capability. For those willing to walk this difficult path, the potential for not just a restored marriage but a transformed relationship offers sufficient motivation to persist through the inevitable trials that lie ahead.

The conversation serves as a reminder that the principles of Biblical restoration—forgiveness, service, transformation, and persistent love—are not merely theoretical concepts but practical requirements for those seeking to rebuild what betrayal has destroyed. While the path is narrow and the requirements demanding, the possibility of genuine restoration remains for those willing to submit to the process of radical personal transformation that such healing requires.

Coping with the Addictive Behavior of a Family Member

by Thomas Abshier | Sep 26, 2025 | Uncategorized

The user is asking me to convert a conversation between Patient A and Thomas Abshier into an essay about dealing with an addict in the family who is behaving in self-destructive and relationship-disruptive behaviors.

The conversation is quite long and covers Isak dealing with his brother Brother B, who appears to be struggling with drug addiction and is exhibiting very erratic, dangerous behavior. Let me identify the key themes and insights from this conversation:

1. The addict, Brother B, is exhibiting dangerous, irrational behavior – driving to another state, crashing cars, trying to “steal” his brother’s pregnant girlfriend, making threats
2. The family members are trying to figure out how to respond – they feel helpless
3. There’s discussion about boundaries – not enabling the behavior, not allowing the chaos into your own space
4. There’s recognition that the addict is not in their right mind and can’t be reasoned with
5. Discussion of the limitations of institutional help (police, hospitals, etc.)
6. The importance of not letting the addict’s chaos destroy your own life and mental health
7. Recognition that some things are out of your control
8. The difference between caring/worrying and actually being able to help
9. Setting firm boundaries while still having compassion
10. The societal/systemic issues that make dealing with addicts difficult

I should structure this as an essay that draws out these practical insights about dealing with family addiction while using examples from the conversation to illustrate the points.

When Love Meets Chaos: Navigating Family Addiction and Setting Boundaries in Crisis

Dealing with addiction within a family creates one of the most heartbreaking and complex challenges anyone can face. The conversation between Patient A and his counselor, Dr. Thomas Abshier, provides a raw, honest window into the reality of loving someone who has lost themselves to substance abuse and the impossible decisions families must make to protect themselves while trying to help.

The Unpredictable Storm of Addiction

Patient A’s brother, Brother B, exemplifies how addiction transforms a person into someone unrecognizable. “It’s crazy even if he was right about anything, that’s not the way to do it,” Patient A explains, describing his brother’s erratic behavior—driving to another state with stolen money, crashing cars, pursuing his other brother’s pregnant girlfriend, and making threats. The family finds themselves constantly bracing for the next crisis, never knowing “when he’s gonna show up” or “what I was gonna have to deal with.”

This unpredictability creates a state of chronic stress for family members. As Thomas observes from his own experience with substance use, “your emotions are not stable, and you don’t really evaluate things on a long-term scale.” The addicted person operates from a heightened, distorted emotional state that makes rational conversation or planning impossible.

The Manipulation Through Spirituality and False Hope

One of the most painful aspects of Brother B’s behavior is his manipulation of family members through claims of spiritual awakening and recovery. Patient A describes how his brother tried to convince their mother he had “found God,” using her religious beliefs as leverage to gain support for his increasingly dangerous plans. This represents a common pattern where addicts exploit their family’s love and hope, presenting temporary moments of apparent clarity or spiritual insight as evidence of genuine change.

The family’s desperation for their loved one’s recovery makes them vulnerable to these manipulations. As Patient A notes, “I would love that too. I would love that. It’s just, it’s not, it’s not real.” Learning to distinguish between genuine recovery and manipulative performance becomes a crucial survival skill for families dealing with addiction.

The Inadequacy of Institutional Responses

The conversation reveals the profound frustration of trying to work within systems that seem designed to protect the rights of the addicted person while leaving families defenseless. Thomas points out the catch-22: “You can’t ask the government to prosecute them. And you can’t take it into your own hands. So you have to wait until they commit a crime, they rob somebody, they kill somebody, or somebody gets hurt.”

Even when intervention might be possible, the financial and practical barriers are enormous. Thomas recalls a patient spending $5,000 twenty years ago to get their loved one committed to a mental health facility to stop the irrational and destructive behavior, and the costs that would be “much more now” and simply “not feasible” for most families. The conversation exposes how society has created a system where families must wait for tragedy before meaningful help becomes available.

The Necessity of Boundaries Despite Emotional Cost

The core therapeutic insight emerges around the concept of boundaries and personal space protection. Thomas advises Patient A that while he cannot control his brother’s behavior, he can absolutely control who is allowed in his physical and emotional space. You can say, “You’re not welcome here when you’re behaving like this” becomes not just a right but a necessity for survival.

This boundary-setting feels cruel to family members who want to help, but Thomas explains the logic: “Saying, ‘stay here and hurt me instead’ is really not an excellent solution.” The alternative—allowing the chaos to continue—doesn’t actually help the addicted person and destroys the family member’s ability to function or potentially help in the future.

The conversation reveals the emotional difficulty of this. Family members worry that if they refuse to enable the behavior, “bad things can happen, and then regret and blame themselves. They tend to say, ‘gosh, if I only hadn’t done this…’ and it feels as if the tragedy is my fault.” This guilt keeps families trapped in cycles of enabling. But as Thomas points out, “he’s gonna be out there anyway eventually and at times without supervision and support, regardless of whether or not you allow him to be protected temporarily in your space.”

The Difference Between Worry and Actual Help

A significant portion of the conversation addresses the distinction between productive concern and destructive worry. Thomas identifies worry as often being a form of “virtuous” suffering that makes families feel like they’re doing something meaningful when, in fact, they’re actually powerless. “We get excessively activated about things that we can’t do anything about, and that’s ineffective and self-destructive.”

The insight is that much family “worry” about an addicted member is actually a form of magical thinking—as if the intensity of their distress could somehow influence outcomes they cannot control. Thomas suggests a more realistic approach: acknowledge the feeling (“I see you. Nothing I can do about it. Time to move on”), pray for the person, and then redirect your energy toward things you can actually influence.

The Reality of Powerlessness and Acceptance

Perhaps the most difficult lesson from this conversation is accepting the fundamental limitations of what family members can do for an addicted loved one. “There really isn’t anything you can do other than love them in your heart, treat them kindly, and counsel them wisely,” Thomas concludes after reviewing all possible options. “You can’t call on the law to intervene because they won’t do anything until a crime has been committed. And you don’t have the money to hire a lawyer to advocate for judicial orders for therapy. And even if you could and did, the treatment paradigm does not include the tough love, teaching, and training in a fundamentally righteous way of thinking, living, and framing life, and delivering the consequences needed to demonstrate God’s boundaries. The results would be, instead, a feel-good rest for the addict without producing the deep behavioral transformation that is required for lasting change.”

This powerlessness feels devastating to family members who are watching someone they love self-destruct. But Patient A comes to recognize that “if I let each [situation] pull me around and disrupt me, then I’m no good to anybody.” The goal becomes maintaining your own stability and functionality so that if a genuine opportunity to help does arise, you’re in a position to take it.

Creating Sacred Space in the Midst of Chaos

The conversation introduces the concept of protecting one’s “sacred space” from the chaos of addiction. This isn’t about abandoning the addicted family member but about recognizing that allowing their chaos to take over your life doesn’t actually help them, while it definitely harms you.

Thomas suggests a graduated response system: “If he’s ever nice, as long as he’s nice, then be welcoming, relational, and loving. But the moment he behaves in a way that’s outside the line of rational relationship, don’t allow it in your space.” This provides clear feedback about what behaviors are acceptable while maintaining the possibility of relationship when the person is acting appropriately.

The Broader Social and Spiritual Context

The conversation places individual family struggles within a broader critique of social systems and values. Thomas argues that society has lost its moral center and ability to hold people accountable for their choices. “We used to be a God fearing society. We actually knew right from wrong,” he observes, contrasting past approaches with current systems that seem to enable rather than address destructive behavior.

This connects to a spiritual understanding of human choice and responsibility. Even within the causation of addiction, Thomas maintains that the choice to do the right thing is always available. “The moment before the criminal shot the gun, pulled the knife, robbed the store, used the drug, at that moment every person can say, ‘No, I’m not going to do that.'” This perspective maintains human dignity and responsibility even within the disease model of addiction.

Practical Wisdom for Families in Crisis

Several concrete strategies emerge from this conversation:

Immediate Safety First: When dealing with someone who is not in their right mind and potentially dangerous, physical safety takes precedence over relationship maintenance or rescue attempts.

Clear, Consistent Boundaries: Establish and maintain clear rules about what behavior you will and will not accept in your space, regardless of the person’s condition or excuses.

Distinguish Helping from Enabling: Recognize that much of what feels like “helping” actually enables continued destructive behavior by removing natural consequences.

Protect Your Own Functioning: Maintain your own mental health, work capacity, and relationships so you remain capable of genuine help if and when it becomes possible.

Realistic Assessment of Options: Honestly evaluate what resources and interventions are actually available rather than torturing yourself with imaginary solutions.

Spiritual/Philosophical Framework: Develop a framework for understanding your role and limitations that provides meaning without creating false responsibility for outcomes you cannot control.

The Long View: Holding Hope Without Expectation

The conversation doesn’t offer false hope or easy answers. Instead, it provides a framework for maintaining love and concern while protecting oneself from being destroyed by another person’s chaos. The goal isn’t to cure the addiction—that’s beyond family members’ power—but to maintain your own integrity and stability while keeping the door open for genuine change if and when it occurs.

This approach requires tremendous emotional maturity and often goes against every instinct of love and family loyalty. Yet as this conversation demonstrates, it may be the only way to preserve both your own well-being and any realistic possibility of future help when the addicted person is ready to receive it.

The tragedy of family addiction is that love alone cannot cure it, and sometimes the most loving thing families can do is refuse to participate in the destruction while maintaining hope for eventual recovery. As Patient A concludes, “some things are out of my hands, so I’ll just make the choices that pertain to me.” In a situation where so much feels beyond control, focusing on the choices that are genuinely within your control becomes both a survival strategy and a form of wisdom.

Non-Resistance/Mindful Acceptance Therapy

by Thomas Abshier | Sep 23, 2025 | Uncategorized

The Therapeutic Method of Sacred Non-Resistance: Integrating Mindful Acceptance with Spiritual Faith

In the realm of therapeutic interventions for anxiety and worry, traditional approaches often focus on cognitive restructuring or behavioral modification. However, a unique therapeutic method emerges from the intersection of mindfulness-based acceptance and deep spiritual faith—what might be called “Sacred Non-Resistance.” This approach, demonstrated in a counseling session between Dr. Thomas Abshier and a patient, offers profound insights into treating overwhelming worry and empathic distress through a synthesis of psychological acceptance and biblical spirituality.

The Core Principle: Non-Resistance as Healing

The fundamental premise of this therapeutic approach challenges the natural human tendency to resist painful emotions and thoughts. Rather than fighting against distressing feelings, the method advocates for complete acceptance and immersion in the experience. As Dr. Abshier explains, “It’s not thinking about it. It’s being it. So it’s not like the fear is over there, and I’m over here; it’s like you are the fear. You’re actually going into and being it.”

This technique requires the individual to pursue uncomfortable feelings with intense scrutiny rather than avoiding them. The practitioner, while doing the therapy, actively searches for the sensation—examining whether it manifests in different parts of the body, as thoughts, or as emotional states. The counterintuitive discovery is that these distressing experiences “can’t survive intense scrutiny” when approached with complete non-resistance.

The method involves literally melting into the uncomfortable experience, allowing oneself to become one with the fear, worry, or pain. This represents a radical departure from typical coping strategies that seek to minimize, eliminate, or distract from difficult emotions.

Spiritual Integration: The Cleft of the Rock

What distinguishes this approach from secular mindfulness practices is its deep integration with biblical spirituality. The therapeutic framework draws heavily on the imagery of being hidden “in the cleft of the rock”—a biblical metaphor for divine protection and safety. This spiritual dimension transforms the psychological technique from mere acceptance into sacred trust.

Dr. Abshier describes this integration: “The imagery I use is being in the hollow of his hand, in the cleft of the rock… You feel the cares of the world as an observer, but fully experiencing those cares as God would… God feels everything fully. He is fully everywhere, as per the imagery of Psalms, “If I go into hell,  you are there.” The experience is total, just as He experiences it. But it doesn’t destroy you, because you are fully in him.”

This spiritual framework provides the safety necessary for complete non-resistance. The individual can afford to stop defending against painful experiences because they experience and know themselves to be protected by divine love. The technique becomes not just psychological acceptance, but spiritual surrender—allowing one’s “flesh” and “will” to decrease while Christ increases.

The Problem of Empathic Overwhelm

The therapy session specifically addresses the challenge faced by highly empathic individuals who become overwhelmed by others’ pain. The patient exemplifies this struggle—his deep love and empathy for his children create tremendous suffering when they experience difficulties. His caring heart becomes a source of torment rather than a blessing.

The therapeutic insight recognizes that empaths often attempt to “steer the world with their stomach”—using physical tension and emotional distress as if these responses could somehow help their loved ones. This represents a fundamental misunderstanding of both empathy and faith. As Dr. Abshier notes, “We just tight and stressed about things that we can’t do anything about. That sounds caring, but there’s nothing helpful about it.”

The worry becomes a kind of “magic spell”—an unconscious belief that suffering somehow helps others or demonstrates love. Parents may struggle with guilt about not worrying, as if worry were a form of effective prayer or care.

Distinguishing Divine and Human Response

A crucial therapeutic insight involves correcting misconceptions about God’s emotional experience. Many empaths project their own overwhelming feelings onto their understanding of divinity, imagining that God must experience the same distressing emotions they do when observing human suffering.

The therapy corrects this projection by proposing that God exists in a state of “eternal peace” and “eternal love.” From this centered state, divine consciousness can feel and respond to human pain without being overwhelmed by it. This provides a model for healthy empathy—maintaining one’s fundamental peace while allowing others’ emotions to “flow through” without resistance or attempts at control.

Practical Application: The Flow-Through Technique

For empaths, the practical application involves learning to allow others’ emotions to flow through them rather than becoming stuck within them. Instead of absorbing and holding others’ pain, the individual maintains their connection to divine peace while serving as a conduit for love and understanding.

This requires recognizing the difference between helpful presence and destructive worry. Helpful presence maintains inner peace while offering love and support. Destructive worry attempts to control outcomes through emotional tension and mental rumination—activities that provide no actual benefit to anyone.

The technique involves moment-by-moment awareness: noticing when worry arises, recognizing it as an attempt to control, examining the physical sensations with complete acceptance of reality, and returning to a state of divine trust and protection.

Biblical Foundation and Therapeutic Integration

The method finds strong biblical support in concepts such as casting our burdens upon the Lord, seeking refuge in divine protection, and experiencing “the peace that passes understanding.” The therapeutic technique becomes a practical way of living these spiritual truths rather than merely believing them intellectually.

Key biblical imagery includes:

• Being hidden in the cleft of the rock (divine protection)
• God as shield, buckler, and high tower (invulnerability)
• The promise that God will teach and care for one’s children (releasing control)
• Perfect love casting out fear (spiritual foundation for acceptance)

Addressing Parental Anxiety Specifically

For parents struggling with worry about their children, the method offers particular relief through the recognition that divine care surpasses human capacity. “God promises those who love Him that He will teach their children” provides the spiritual foundation for releasing control while maintaining love.

The therapy acknowledges that attempting to care for children through human worry alone creates impossible demands. Parents must learn to trust in divine involvement in their children’s lives, recognizing their own limitations while maintaining their appropriate human responsibilities by doing what can be done, and letting God do the rest.

The Paradox of Strength Through Surrender

The therapeutic method reveals a profound paradox: true strength comes through complete surrender rather than increased effort. Instead of trying harder to have faith or trying to stop worrying, individuals learn to surrender even their attempts at spiritual improvement. The transformation occurs through grace received in a state of complete non-resistance rather than through self-generated spiritual effort.

This surrender is not passive resignation but active trust—choosing to remain undefended because one trusts completely in divine protection. The individual can afford to be completely vulnerable because they understand themselves to be absolutely safe and their loved one in divine care.

Clinical Implications and Effectiveness

The session demonstrates remarkable therapeutic effectiveness. The patient had previously experienced complete relief from his symptoms after applying this method, but had forgotten to use the technique during a subsequent stressful situation. This suggests that the approach can provide immediate relief but requires ongoing practice and reinforcement to maintain its benefits.

The method’s effectiveness stems from its ability to address both the psychological and spiritual dimensions of distress. By combining mindfulness-based acceptance with deep spiritual trust, it provides both the practical technique for managing difficult emotions and the existential safety necessary for complete surrender to the process.

Conclusion: Sacred Psychology for Modern Healing

The Sacred Non-Resistance method represents an integration of sophisticated psychological understanding with profound spiritual wisdom. It offers hope for those overwhelmed by empathic sensitivity, parental anxiety, and general worry by providing a pathway that honors both human psychology and divine relationship.

Rather than viewing faith and therapy as separate domains, this approach demonstrates how spiritual truth can inform therapeutic technique, creating healing that addresses both psychological symptoms and spiritual needs. For practitioners working with clients who hold strong spiritual beliefs, this integration may offer a more effective and culturally sensitive approach than purely secular methods.

The method’s emphasis on non-resistance, divine protection, and flow-through empathy provides a comprehensive framework for transforming overwhelming sensitivity into healthy compassion while maintaining inner peace. In an age of increasing anxiety and empathic overwhelm, such integration of spiritual wisdom with therapeutic insight offers valuable tools for healing and growth.